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What is the best way to tell your husband he has ED?

Discussion in 'Erectile Dysfunction Forum (Viagra/Cialis)' started by SomeGirl, Aug 7, 2013.

  1. SomeGirl

    SomeGirl Member

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    I am very frustrated. I honestly believed my husband would have realized by now that the only person he satisfies when he ejaculates now is himself.

    I suppose that is what confuses me most. He CAN ejaculate, but he does not get hard. Not even slightly firm. From a woman's point of view, it lessens the experience considerably. I am curious, however, as to why he does not realize the lack of rigidity in the experience.

    He just goes on about his business either ignoring the fact that he is very soft, or not aware of it. Can that really happen? Can he not be aware of the fact he is suffering from ED or is it ED if he can still ejaculate?

    We were a rather adventurous couple and now that we both have hit the age of 50, it does take a little more time for me to climax. Sadly, however, it is an incomplete act of lovemaking since I needed to make it there on my own - manually.

    I miss our satisfying adventures and fear there will form a great rift between us if I suggest to him he may want to explore a medical treatment to help us instead of a sex toy shop. After all he is buying toys... so he must know something is wrong.

    Can any of you please help me understand what might be going on in his mind? Any help would be appreciated.[/size][/font]
     
  2. Kyubito

    Kyubito Rookie

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    Erectile dysfunction can take a toll on a relationship. It is important to show support and offer encouragement to your husband with ED. In addition to encouraging your husband to seek medical treatment for his condition, you can help him deal with erectile dysfunction by offering emotional support. Here are some tips:
    • Learn as much as you can about ED. Knowledge is power, so the more you know, the more you'll be able to support your husband. When seeking treatment, you and your husband should both agree on a method that best fits your lifestyle.
    • Let your husband know that he's not alone. Remind him that ED is a fairly common and very treatable medical condition. ED is not a reflection on his masculinity or a lack of attraction or desire for you. You should also support your husband in any efforts to change his lifestyle (adopting a healthy diet, quitting smoking and the use of any recreational drugs, etc.) to deal with ED.
    • Go with him to see the doctor. If your husband is agreeable, accompany him when he sees his doctor. This is another way to show that you're concerned and willing to work with him to treat his condition.
    • Remind him that there are many options for successful treatment. If your husband does not succeed initially, encourage him to continue to visit the doctor and explore other options.

    As a wife of a man with ED, you are also affected. Here are some tips to help you better deal with the situation:
    • Discuss your feelings and let your husband know that you care.
    • Stay positive. Talk about what you and your husband want and need, and how to achieve it.
    • Try alternative techniques to obtain sexual satisfaction by finding other ways to obtain and receive pleasure without pressuring your husband to perform. (Since he's buying toys I'm guessing you've done this already)
     
  3. checkcall

    checkcall Member

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    He knows. Trust me. It is very traumatizing for a man. You have to broach the topic though.
     
  4. brokenjunk

    brokenjunk Member

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    I agree with checkcall that he knows and I'd be shocked if he hasn't looked for help. I don't know your husband though, it's an embarrassing subject to discuss so maybe he's too embarrassed to discuss it with his doctor? Anyways I agree you should bring it up, I'm just not sure what is the right way to advise you in doing so. It's not gonna be fun for your husband regardless.
     
  5. SomeGirl

    SomeGirl Member

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    I believe he does know too. He's an "A-Type" personality and I believe my mentioning it again when we are being romantic would be the wrong move.

    Perhaps I will take the opportunity when an ED ad comes on television to open a discussion about whether it is something they talk about with anybody... then gauge his response and open a discussion if possible.

    Personally, I've never been one for toys and women do not have the need to orgasm like men do. I just wish he would stop insisting on trying now that it has become so frustrating for me. I do not understand any of this, sadly.
     
  6. brokenjunk

    brokenjunk Member

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    Actually bringing it up when the commercials come on sounds like a great idea. How you say it though will be very important. Maybe say something like "Wow those people look so happy in those commercials. You think that stuff works? Maybe WE should try it?"
     
  7. LadyLuck7

    LadyLuck7 Member

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    I have been where you are and trust me there is no doubt that he is fully aware of the problem. That he is buying toys lets you know that he is very concerned that you are not as satisfied as he is and believe me that is a good thing because he is concerned about how, as his mate, you are being affected. That being said, some men no matter how close they are with their partner will have a degree of difficulty when it comes to talking about any intimacy problems or ED. My advice is to broach the subject very lightly and be very careful to encourage and be positive and offer some solutions that you both can explore together. The male ego is a very fragile thing indeed. Half the battle is having good emotional support.
     
  8. BillDavid

    BillDavid Member

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    I don't think bringing it up during a commercial is a good move. For one thing, if the conversation does not go well, he will be reminded of it each and every time that ad comes back around again. Also, the conversation should be one that lasts more than the couple minutes break during his sports or television show, and he may be resentful that you are interrupting and want the conversation to end when the commercial ends.

    I think the proper time to discuss it would be during non-sexual times and not during television time. Maybe during a quiet dinner you can say to him, "Dear, we should talk about your health. I'll concerned." Don't make it about you, because it really isn't about you at all. Seems to me he is trying to keep you pleased by making things more exciting in the bedroom. There is no way that he's not aware of his ED.
     
  9. SomeGirl

    SomeGirl Member

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    Okay, so we have a number of different opinions with regard to how I should handle this situation. I have a recent example of how being very subtle about the subject might not work:

    Last evening we had enjoyed a lovely dinner with our 12 year old daughter "Kate" (so quietly over dinner is not an option). It was humid and unpleasant outside so we decided to take the night off and catch up on this season's The Newsroom. While I was pulling up the second episode on the DVR, I mentioned to my husband that I have not had any tea in over a month. He said "so you want me to go to Tim Horton's to get you one?", which I knew, from having been married almost 15 years meant: "I'm itching for a Timmy's coffee."

    Toying with him a bit I replied "I didn't say that."

    He turns to our daughter and says "see Kate, I can't read minds. If you want something from me you have to ask me straight out and I'll do it for you if I can.." Which must have meant he was referring to something that happened recently with her and he was trying to prove a point. Then he continued with "Your mom never asks me straight out so I see where she gets it from.".

    I decided to take a washroom break because when I mentioned that I had not had any tea, I really wasn't asking him to go to Timmy's. The comments seemed to have come out of left field in my opinion. Having giving it a little thought, I realized he was trying to teach Kate something so I considered it best to return to the living room asking him straight out if he would go to Timmy's to get me some tea.

    All happy, he walked out the door and returned with a medium tea for me, a large coffee for him and a doughnut for Kate.

    Now you get my point: subtle won't work.

    We have the same doctor. I know I am going to ask our doctor how to handle it and maybe he can help. I'm hoping to make progress some time soon, but am on pins and needles until the subject can be broached.

    Thanks to all of you for your continued advice and support and hopefully I won't remain in this zone of denial for much longer!
     
  10. Denis Hard

    Denis Hard Member

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    ED is something your husband should notice without being told. If his eel doesn't get that stiff and he pretends not to notice then why try to be diplomatic? Be polite with him candid: it's a medical condition which many men suffer from. . .nothing to be embarrassed about, etc, etc — such kind of stuff.
     
  11. donaldplozha

    donaldplozha Member

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    Here's what's happening:

    You're a fully active sexual woman and as such, you need a partner who satisfies you mentally and physically. Now he may be good at the first one, he may not. At the second one, it's already out of his hands. You need to sit down and seriously tell him what you feel. Forget about the support stuff, you cannot support your husband who has ED, what you are gonna do, not have sex with anyone for the rest of your life ?

    Sit down, tell him what you feel and what you feel like doing afterwards. It is very important, I kind of know what you must be feeling.
     
  12. Medic

    Medic Administrator

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    Yes, I agree with this approach - I have read and researched a bit and even talked to doctors as its becoming a part of my job and IMO it wont work if you go all 'aggressive' on him especially as you mentioned he is an otherwise confident A type personality, and might I add, with some accompanying ego without doubt.

    Show him this video(I already linked this in a previous thread)
    [video=youtube]http://youtu.be/dW54ZW5y1PU[/video]
    and tell him what our member 'brokenjunk' suggested.


    Or maybe show this video, laugh about it and then make your point ;)
    [video=youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KShkhIXdf1Y[/video]

    The fact is most men dread visiting an andrologist.

    1. If you are in Europe, he can get the medicines via online consultation(although face-face consultation will be better ofcourse).

    2. In the US and lot of other countries one must obtain a doctors prescription after face-face consultation only.

    3. I think in Canada, legally regulated generics(after viagra patent expiry) make the drugs inexpensive but you still need to fax your prescription to buy online, after face-face consultation.

    4. And then there are many illegal pharmacies selling medicines without a prescription - but that is something I will not recommend as the danger of receiving counterfeits is simply too high - but they are surely out there.

    5. Another option is the vaccum-pump. They are effective and you can simply buy them OTC. Its just that it feels like a contraption and makes sex seem laborious and him slightly clumsy.

    6.
    <respectfully>
    Have you tried giving blow-job, if you are persistent and good with that, it could do something. If you don't like giving blow-jobs - do it with him having a condom on.
    </respectfully>
     
  13. SomeGirl

    SomeGirl Member

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    I've been extremely open-minded when it comes to sex, prior to my marriage at the age of 35 and of course, during our marriage. There is not much I have not tried and enjoyed... so yes, oral sex is a very regular part of our activities especially now.

    And please, understand my first instinct was to be a little more giving orally in order to achieve a pleasing result for the both of us. It was actually during this stimulation that I realized he just was not getting hard before ejaculating. That certainly is the easiest way to gauge the firmness of his penis during his orgasm.

    Frankly, it is kind of yucky orally stimulating a soft penis which does not seem to respond to the pleasuring. I thought I performed that quite effectively and received a lot of pleasure feeling his desire "grow" between my lips and in my mouth.

    It makes me question my ability to give pleasure. And, in the way this woman works, when I feel him responding to my efforts, I become very stimulated. That is not happening now for me.

    I wish I could show him the videos, I really do. I cannot go that route since he seems to be in denial. He knows that I'm not as anxious to do it anymore so the next time he broaches the issue... I think I just have to tell him "I need you to be hard again." In a very soft, sincere and honest response.
     
  14. Lorigh

    Lorigh Member

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    I have been married to a man with ED for seven years. I knew about his ED before I married him, and I love him very much. Needless to say, the ED has been very difficult to deal with at times, mostly because when he can't perform, he withdraws from me, makes me feel as if it is my fault--although I don't think that was his intention.

    My advice to you is to be upfront with him. Tell him that you feel there's something wrong with him, and that you would like him to go to the doc to have it checked out. Volunteer to go with him, because in my experience, he will not tell the doc all him symptoms, but you will.

    Most importantly, love him, show him, and support him. It may be that his ED is treatable. In the meantime, try doing other things in the bedroom with him. Let him satisfy you for example. Be adventurous.

    Good luck.
     
  15. lamlam

    lamlam Member

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    ED is a medical condition and not anybody's fault and nothing to be embarrassed about. I believe the couple should visit the GP and be thoroughly assessed and advised. Even with ED, the couple can be informed about various possible ways so they can be able to enjoy their life normally and healthily.
     
  16. SomeGirl

    SomeGirl Member

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    I agree with you, it should be that way, but there are other factors which sometimes do not make it that straightforward, namely being considerate whether or not the man may be "sensitive", "too proud", or "embarrassed". Throw any or all of those elements into the mix and the conversation is much more difficult than "let's make a doctor's appointment and see if we can do something here..."
     
  17. dannyboy

    dannyboy Member

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    I think is aware of the problem. Bringing it up might just humiliate him. There is really no easy way to talk to him about it, but if it really bothers you, do what you have to do.
     
  18. Robknowsbest

    Robknowsbest Member

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    Find a smooth/coy way to tell him. Maybe you guys can watch porn together and just hint at if he think he could last as long as one of the porn stars and see what he says. Or maybe one day you can tell him you wanna be pleased first before him, maybe some role playing.
     
  19. cinderr

    cinderr Member

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  20. MMae

    MMae Member

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    I think you should just tell him. I mean, yeah, us guys do like to think we are Superman in that area, but some men just aren't. As a married couple, you should be able to talk about these things...I mean if you are giving this guy a BJ and having sex with him, you should definitely be able to talk about it! He doesn't seem to be able to take a hint, or he ignores every hint, so it is best to just straight up ask him if you can talk to him for a minute about something you've been noticing...tell him you love him but he needs to get help to get hard because it isn't doing enough for you ;)
     
  21. thedragon

    thedragon Member

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    You would need to be very discreet about it. You need to make him come to the conclusion himself. You must also point him in the right direction. Tell him a story about one of your friend's boyfriend, he may finally start to see the similarities.
     
  22. MMae

    MMae Member

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    It seems like she has tried all kinds of those things and he just isn't understanding. I think she needs to tell him straight up what is going on.