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Featured Shades of Grey: Does BDSM Appeal to you?

Discussion in 'Sex & Sexual Health' started by cinderr, Sep 5, 2013.

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Dominatrix Fantasy Appeal to You?

Poll closed Sep 15, 2013.
  1. YES!

    25.0%
  2. UH-NO!!

    75.0%
  1. cinderr

    cinderr Member

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    Please vote--does the concept of shades of Grey, dominatrix appeal to you?
    I love it sometimes, depends on my mood I guess...
     
  2. brokenjunk

    brokenjunk Member

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    As a man I haven't read Shades of Grey and don't plan to. However I wouldn't have a problem with an attractive older woman tying me up and taking advantage of me.
     
  3. jimcort

    jimcort Member

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    Being tied up is something I've tried before, and something I'd like to try again. I especially like it when I'm "held captive" and "forced to pleasure my partner.
     
  4. Lorigh

    Lorigh Member

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    I enjoy it...as long as both parties enjoy it...and there is no pain involved.
     
  5. short.cake

    short.cake Junior Researcher

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    I got about half way through the first book, and frankly, was bored with it. Then I saw the movie with a friend. I wasn't impressed with it, and it definitely did not turn me on. I have tried very mild versions (fuzzy cuffs, that sort of thing), and it was ok, but not something I would request. Plus, I do not liked to be spanked on my behind, that just pisses me off, lol.
     
  6. Bottle

    Bottle Member

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    I like both being dominated and to dominate - but that doesn't involve actually hurting my partner. Suggestively doing it, maybe - but not the actual hurting part.

    I wonder why that would be :p
     
  7. Sparkster

    Sparkster Junior Researcher

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    No, although I haven't read it but I do have a good idea of what's involved. If what I've heard is true then I would actually find that a little disturbing. The entire 50 Shades Of Grey story, what from I can gather, seems to be more about inverted narcissism than anything else. Most women will tell you that they hate to be objectified in such ways and most women are against it and yet they all seem to love 50 Shades Of Grey! I think this is more to do with being dominated in order to feel that you must be irresistable which is, essentially, a self-love (narcissism) problem.
     
  8. GemmaRowlands

    GemmaRowlands Junior Researcher

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    I have to admit that I did enjoy the books, but you have to understand them for what they are. Christian needed that kind of activity because he was psychologically damaged - the extent to which he practices this type of thing is neither normal nor healthy, and should never be something that we aim towards in our own relationships. Certainly, you may decide that you would like to try certain things, however you should stay within your own limits, and remember that only you know what you like. Never do anything just to please another person, as this is only going to hurt you in the long term.
     
  9. Sparkster

    Sparkster Junior Researcher

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    They would both have to be psychologically damaged in order to have such a relationship. Clearly, both parties had serious psychological problems pertaining to their relationship and correct me if I'm wrong but didn't the tables turn and the 'slave' became the 'master'? This is a very typical story of a relationship between a classic narcissist and an inverted narcissist. Essentially, they were both narcissists!
     
  10. sunshiney

    sunshiney Junior Researcher

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    I'm not turned off by it, but it doesn't particularly do anything for me. And honestly, the books didn't depict a BDSM relationship. They depicted an abusive relationship. I picked up the first one because I like to read and it's fun to stay updated on the current popular lit. I forced myself to finish it because I wanted to be able to back up my opinion, which is that it's incredibly problematic and misogynistic.

    Some people are able to take it as light entertainment and that's fine, but as someone with a history of abuse, I just can't stomach it.
     
  11. OhioTom76

    OhioTom76 Member

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    For the most part, no I don't really get into BDSM. I don't mind a person being a bit "dominant" or telling me what they want me to do to them, or being a little aggressive with me - that just shows that they are really getting into it, and are as enthusiastic about the encounter as I am. I'd rather they be really into it, than bored and emotionless. But I would not let someone flat out disrespect me and be verbally and physically abusive to me, making mean spirited remarks, slapping or hitting me forcefully, or engaging in sex forcefully without any consideration of how painful it might be to me.

    It's also too much of an investment financially for all sorts of fetish sex toys - some of that stuff is ridiculously expensive, and I would be embarrassed for someone to find all that stuff at my place, say perhaps if someone was house sitting for me, or maybe I had to have someone feed my pets while I was away, etc...
     
  12. FuZyOn

    FuZyOn Member

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    I never watched Fifty Shades of Grey, it seems like a forced movie to me and I don't associate with it. With that being said, I heard of BDSM before and it was a whole new concept for me. I watched a couple of videos out of curiosity without too much expectations but I never expected to like this sort of sex. I love when one of the parties is dominant (especially the woman) but when one of the partners has no way of "fighting" back it makes the experience much kinkier.

    I have to say, BDSM is something that appeals to me. Although it's something that I never tried before, I do intend of at least proposing to my partner and hopefully she'll be open-minded about this. I love spicing up my sex life, it helps keep things fresh and this is a kink that I would truly enjoy. Although my wife is not too fond of sex toys and dirty talk, she never really tried any of those things. I will not force her to do it, but maybe she will change her mind after a couple of times.
     
  13. Perch

    Perch Junior Researcher

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    I would not take 50 Shades for BDSM as a sexual kink or a lifestyle. Neither are of interest to me. But to each their own, I suppose.
     
  14. 111kg

    111kg Junior Researcher

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    It depends. At some light level, it's a new and usually fun thing to try. However, it's pretty easy to mess up things. BDSM doesn't involve only ropes, chains and whips, it also involves milking, hitting the private parts, humiliating the other person and so on. I obviously disagree with the last ones and would never try them, not in a thousand years.
     
  15. nafretiti

    nafretiti Member

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    Fifty Shades of Grey was a horrible movie, I have not read the books and don't intend to because I don't have time and fear I'd be disappointed with them as well. Although this has probably inspired some people to try BDSM, that is good on them but not for everyone as well.Personally I have done some BDSM and absolutely loved it, you have to be careful and trust your partner. If you are not trusting and they have no idea what they are doing, it can get very dangerous and fast. They have a saying, safe,sane,consensual. You work out the details before you do anything, you figure out safe words to stop all play and you need to make it a 100 % consensual and talk about it after.
     
  16. Btalivny

    Btalivny Member

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    My gf wanted to try it with me. After we tried it, we thought it was extremely silly and she wasn't into it as much as she thought she would be. I personally was neutral about it though.
     
  17. Linda Burroughs

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    I first encountered BDSM about 8 years ago when I met a man whom I was extremely attracted to. He picked up on a part of my personality that I was aware of on a subconscious level but not on a personal one. I am by nature, submissive and sex is one of the ways I express that. I think, in part, the desire to be submissive in sex comes from the overwhelming feeling of responsiblity in all other aspects of my life. In any situation, outside of relationship issues, I need to feel in control of things. To be able to relinquish that control and give it over to someone else is very relieving and allows me to completely relax and give in to my sexuality.

    I was quite reserved sexually for a long time and this relationship opened my eyes to new possibilities sexually. Finally, I felt free to be my authentic self and no longer felt self-conscious of my body. I've always liked an assertive male and in sex I would go so far as to say a dominant male, but I do not like things that I consider belittling, abusive or shaming. So that means that its all right to say something like "You're my slut" but it would not be OK to say "you are a slut---aren't you, whore?" The first says that the person is my partner and only for him do I act out the part of me that is just that, a slut,, but the second is just a put down. I also don't want to ever be forced into sexual acts I'm not in favor of, nor do I ever want to be hurt to the point of injury or pain that is greater than pleasure.'

    As a woman who grew up being told that sex is bad and I won't like it, being submissive gives me an out. A good girl doesn't enjoy sex, especially not kinky sex so when a dominant takes control, Now its beyond my control so I can't unconsciously label myself as a bad girl. I really like the feeling that a man knows what he wants and isn't afraid to just take it by being a little aggressive but at the same time, after the act itself, I want the man to be nurturing.

    As for fantasy's of dominance, ya, I wouldn't mind wearing black leather and boots with six inch heels, but I don't see myself being a good dominant. Still, with the right partner, switching roles now and then would likely be beneficial. Personally I don't see anything wrong with BDSM as long as both parties are in full agreement. How far you want to take it is strictly up to you and your partner.
    PS-----Play safe and use protection. :)
     
  18. Claude

    Claude Member

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    I read the books and didn’t love them, but didn’t hate them either. They’re entertaining. I liked the movie but I pictured Grey a lot sexier and it was kind of disappointing. I feel attracted to the idea not of playing the dominatrix role, but the submissive yeah, definitely. The thing is my husband is not into role-playing and kinky stuff, he’s just too sweet. So, guess I’ll just have to keep fantasizing about it.
     
  19. TwoOneBee

    TwoOneBee Junior Researcher

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    This. I think sunshiney summed it up perfect.

    I think there's a difference between 50 Shades of Grey (which started out as crappy Twilight fan-fiction by the way) and true BDSM. I think once again Hollywood has taken something, simplified it and made it accessible to the lowest common denominator. It's popular right now and in the social consciousness but I have a feeling it'll pass. "Real" BDSM is here to stay.

    No matter what anyone says, there's nothing wrong with anything two consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedrooms as long as both parties are willing participants. No one should ever be forced to partake into anything that they don't want to, and my fear is that a book like 50 Shades of Grey will promote this kind of narcissistic abusive relationship because "hey, they did it in the book" and people will think it's okay to treat their partner this way. If it helps your relationship and opens a side of sexuality that you haven't experienced before, then that's great but if you don't enjoy BDSM, and if it has no appeal to you, then that's OK too and your partner should respect and understand this.
     
  20. DarkStar

    DarkStar Member

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    The only part of the Shade Of Grey book I read, were the highlights of the terrible, terrible prose and the parodies of the style from some Guardian article (I have forgotten which). The response from the BDSM community seems to be that the book represents an abusive relationship rather than what is typical in the BDSM scene, and the consensus seems that it misrepresents what BDSM is about. BDSM does appeal to me, but the culture surrounding it certainly does not, and I greatly dislike all the labels and terminology aspects in it, and I would never become part of some underground dungeon.

    Edit: Oh, I never realized it was based on a Twilight fanfiction, tat almost seems to terrible too be true.
     
  21. Maximil5

    Maximil5 Member

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    BDSM is a life style choice once you get into it. I really hate titles like that, because it's such a varied and vast topic all lumped into one title. B&D bondage and discipline is what the majority of the world is into, S&M being a much harsher extention of B&D. Even just discipline is probably the biggest thing most people dabble in, with bondage being used by more people inclined to bondage. It's not for everyone, and some people can freak out being restrained.

    Anyway in my experience, this type of play is usually a very strong feature in the make up of at least one of the people in a relationship. I know myself since I was three or four years old, it was stimulating to me, although I didn't get sexually aroused at that time! Growing up I was spanked by both my parents, but didn't find that arousing either.

    I think the defining moment was when I was 12-13 years olds, I was on the stage at my school behind the drapes across the front of the stage. There were a couple of older girls, one that I liked sitting on the front of the stage. Don't ask me why, but I went behind her and lightly kicked get in the butt, a couple of times laughing as I did it. She didn't do anything at first, so I did it again, but this time she came behind the curtain, grabbed my shoulders and slapped me across the face, telling me to stop this behavior. At the time I was embarrassed and apologised to her, but that night thinking about it, I got my first erection and masturbated, picturing her spanking me over her knees.

    I was hooked from that day forward on this fetish and seeing her in school was torture to me! I would also fantasize about spanking her for slapping my face, equally erotic to me. Most spanko's will say similar things, that it all started at a young age. It grew on my wife over time (because of me) and she loves both giving and receiving now. Giving more tho! Less painful as she says! Lol! For her!

    We're used to do other things as well, but have settled into having it or giving it to someone's bottom getting warmed before sex. It's still very erotic to this day. So whatever level of play you are involved in, please talk to your partner and keep things safe and loving. Not so long ago, while my wife was caning me, I asked her to give me one as hard as she could, she was using a 3/8" rattan cane about three foot long from England, so it's authentic. Before I could stop her she applied five strokes in quick order! She had me squirming and jumping in pain, but she was giggling, saying,"be careful what you ask for!" When I said I asked for one not five, she said " yes I know, but I know when you asked, you wanted me to give you a few" she was right of course, but I didn't want them that fast! Her accuracy applying those stokes amazed me tho, tightly bunched across the center of my bottom! Left lines with light bruises for a few days! She said it made her wet doing it! So I stated that I guess I'm to expect this from now on? She just smiled and said of course, but next time I'll go slower, and give a full twelve!

    So yes this is my kink, and I hope I can open your minds to the possibilities of what being open and sharing with your partner can do in your life as well. It's scary putting it all out there, and after you do it may take time for your partner to really talk to you about it. I know my wife was kinda in shock that I wanted to spank her initially, and couldn't understand why I wanted to hurt her. Which I ready didn't want to hurt her. Anyway as things happened after that, that almost broke us up, it ended up that the first time I did spank her, was a severe tawsing for cheating on me. I was so hurt by it, that I beat her ass very badly, she was bruised well over a month from it. But that day afterwards, we were both emotionally drained and crying, but I found her soaked between her legs. It wasn't arousing as I was beating her ass, I truly just wanted to hurt her.

    That's never happened since then and we both still remember that day to this day. It proved to be the platform for us getting into this, and at the time and for years after, all I ever did was spank her. But mostly just playful, until she asked me to hit her harder one day. She said I can star of easier, but build up as she pleasures herself as I'm warming her sexy ass. I think she relives that day sometimes when I'm caning her hard and she starts cumming. Although she says it hurts so much, her body still leaks juices between her legs and her orgasms are very powerful! I love her so!
    Max
     
  22. Maximil5

    Maximil5 Member

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    Ok people, I want to clear up a few misconceptions about BDSM and the whole fifty shades thing. I think I can consider myself somewhat off an expert, although I've never really gotten into the S&M side of things. We have been using some form of spanking for the past thirty three years, so here goes.
    If you want to try a part of this, it can be as simple as starting out spanking each other with your hand! See how that goes! If your pp tingles as your partner warms your ass... You probably are aroused by it!

    If however they take a leather belt and start beating you like Christian did in the movie, I doubt very few people would get aroused by that! Don't get me wrong, that could be considered mild to people who are really into it, and probably have been for years. Most bottoms(subs) prefer to be "warmed up" that is having their buttocks hit mildly with whatever at first. Then say after 10-20 spanks or paddles, the force can be increased to say a medium stroke. I have found that when this is accompanied by sexual stimulation, hand or vibrator as the spanking goes along, both my wife as I can take quite severe strikes on our asses. Ones that we'd never tolerate right off the get go.

    This is such a varied form of play, that ultimately is used to arouse and stimulate the mind and body. Yes it's a power trip to have another person submit willingly to you hurting them( in a good way). This should never be used to help fix behavior issues etc. You may read of some people that need or crave punishment and or discipline. To me they are simply edged more towards the "M" masochistic character in themselves. If you ever read some of the stories, you'll find the bottom is usually punished over and over for the same "bad behavior". So obviously a severe beating to curb this behavior doesn't work! To each his own, if they feel they need this harsh treatment, I guess they know literally what they are getting their ass into!

    So start our slow, take your time, check your breathing and heart rates! I remember the first time I spanked the wife, my heart was pounding lo like a Jack hammer! I was so excited! Watch the person your spanking, are they wincing or moaning? Are they clenching their buttocks and reaching back trying to block your hand? Or are they grinding their pelvis into the bed as you warm their bottom? Are you getting an erection or wet between your legs? Be sure to stop and rub or kiss her/ his bottom in between spanks. That feels so good, and try rubbing some lotion over them before and during as well. Very erotic to fondle their sexy parts as well, see if you are getting a positive responce. It's a learning experience and people are very different, so talk, ask questions while doing it. Sometimes a simple statement like " are you a naughty girl?" As you're spanking can invoke a very strong arousal, that may just put her in the right frame of mind. If she moans right after your say it, it worked! It's fun to experiment, and it's easy if you feel you are ready for more intense action by simply asking " lets see how hard you can spank me!" Your partner will usually take up the challenge and do her/his best to show you. When you find what works for the both of you, it can be the most intense sex you've ever had! But like they say " once you've had an orgasm from being spanked, regular sex is boring!". Lol! Please respect your partners limits and vice versa. Good luck all.
    Max
     
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