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Do you get upset if your husband masturbates?

Discussion in 'Sex & Sexual Health' started by short.cake, Oct 7, 2015.

  1. short.cake

    short.cake Junior Researcher

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    Do you get upset or feel as if you're not taking care of your partners needs if he/she masturbates or watches porn?

    I have never seen it as an issue, mainly because men and women have different libidos. I am well aware my partner (male) masturbates, mainly because his sex drive is stronger then mine. I'm ok with that. Wife masturbates husband, so what! Sometimes I will watch him, or even help him out. He will occasionally watch porn along with it, and I'm ok with that too.

    Again, I will watch with him. I want to make sure he knows I'm ok and he won't feel like he needs to 'hide' anything from me. I don't feel like I'm being neglected or rejected because he does this. I do the same sometimes, and the same from him, sometimes he watches or helps, and sometimes I will describe it to him as part of foreplay.

    A friend of mine, married for 25+ years, gets very upset and insecure if she 'catches' her hubby masturbating. And he is NO WAY allowed to watch porn, look at magazines, etc. She will even search the computer to see if he's been watching anything like that. A few years ago, she went on a business trip for 10 weeks, and was pissed that he masturbated while she was gone! He told her...lol....I don't know if that was a good idea.:whistle:

    Am I the oddball, and her response is normal? I'm not sure. My partner isn't cheating, is open with me about what he is doing, and I have joined in from time to time. I don't see what there is to be upset about.

    What is your opinion of this? How do you handle it...is it an issue for you or are you ok with it?
     
  2. sunshiney

    sunshiney Junior Researcher

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    Her response is not what I would consider normal, it sounds as if she's really insecure.

    I'm in agreement with you, everyone has different sex drives and expecting your partner to suppress what basically boils down to a biological function seems a little unhealthy, as long as they aren't hurting anyone or doing/viewing anything illegal of course.

    Even if you're in a relationship with someone who has a similar sex drive, every couple will have nights where their libidos don't necessarily match up. I think it's important to be honest with each other about stuff like that. My boyfriend knows that I consider that stuff his own business and that I'm not bothered by it, so the whole thing is a non issue with us.
     
  3. pennyheart

    pennyheart Junior Researcher

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    I don't really care if my husband masturbates. There are times that I'm not in the mood and I will be glad if he does the job himself, lol. But knowing him, he will just pester me until I give in.:p So to say, I haven't really seen him masturbate ever. Though I do know he does, probably when we fight for days and well, he can't get sex. From me anyway, kidding!

    That case with your friend is a little extreme though. I get it that guys have just extremely high sex drives thus the need for porn or masturbation. Whereas girls, we tend to be not in the mood sometimes especially after giving birth. I don't know why but after pregnancy, my sexual drive was extremely low until now. So I think I would rather my husband watches porn and masturbates than have sex with other women.
     
  4. Linda Burroughs

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    OK, so maybe I'm atypical too then. I have felt pangs of jealousy which turn to anger and to self doubt and all kinds of things, though I don't anymore but I did. See, now I'm embarrassed to admitting to feeling this way even though I know I've talked to other women who have.

    I know its not a big deal if he masturbates (I only got mad at him about that once and that's because we were going to bed, I got held up and by the time I'd got there he's done it) but when he involves porn I can't say that I don't feel a pang of something.

    Maybe jealousy? I guess a lot of it in my case is cause I'm older than him so it creates anxiety in me that he wants someone younger. I don't care as much about it anymore but I think that it is more because the relationship has run its course than, that I don't mind porn. And I don't..... mind it that is, I've watched it together with other partners in the past.

    But nope, something about this one really bugged me. I think its because I am getting older and I don't feel as sure of myself and all the women on these things are way younger and hotter than me. Maybe it won't seem as threatening when I meet somebody my own age. So I can feel some empathy for the first posters friend. Maybe she feels neglected. We don't know if he masturbates a lot more than has sex with her and maybe she's feeling a little left out? Its a thought.
     
  5. Susan

    Susan Member

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    I have no problem with him masturbating as long as it is not taking away from our intimate time together. If he was taking care of himself instead of having sex with me then I would have a problem with that but if it is just something he does when he is in the mood and I am not there then I am perfectly okay with that. Some people have a problem with that and if they do then they should be able to talk comfortably with their spouse about it.
     
  6. nafretiti

    nafretiti Member

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    I'm not married, but if my partner at the time wants to masturbate I don't see what the big deal is. A lot of people are taught that is is wrong to do so, and I'm like well it isn't wrong and it is perfectly healthy! Watching porn doesn't bother me either, if he is watching it then I'd want to watch it with him and then either watch him get himself off or even give a lending hand. I do not understand why people would get upset over their partners watching porn, it is a good way not to be cheating on someone and definitely better than actually going out and having sex with someone besides you. Honestly no reason to get upset over this issue, and those that do feel insecure or jealousy over it needs to really talk to their partner or a sex therapist about it.
     
  7. 111kg

    111kg Junior Researcher

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    People, especially women, fail to see one thing: a lot of men masturbate not only for their pleasure, but to last longer in bed with their significant others. There is no reason to be upset, unless if masturbation becomes a compulsive act, that diminishes the libido.
     
  8. TwoOneBee

    TwoOneBee Junior Researcher

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    I've been in a few long term relationship (including my current relationship of almost 5 years now), I can provide you my perspective on masturbation.

    The one thing I think women need to understand is that masturbation doesn't replace sex for guys. Watching porn and masturbating is a completely different thing than having sex with your wife or girlfriend. We don't compare the two, we don't even consider it the same thing. We masturbate and watch porn as fantasy, knowing that it isn't real, it is fiction and that it's not realistic, but we get to witness scenarios that most likely will never happen. It doesn't mean we even want that to happen in real life, it's just enjoyable to see porn once in a while and get a release.

    To put it differently, I'll watch the movie Everest and enjoy it, but in no way will I ever climb that mountain, nor do I have any intention to pursue that. I'm not even comparing it to the mountain at home because it is its own thing. So it's just another way of witnessing something.

    Basically, I don't love my girlfriend any less no matter how much porn I watch, and sex with her will always be better than masturbating. She knows this and has no reason to get jealous (and she doesn't).
     
  9. Sparkster

    Sparkster Junior Researcher

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    #9 Sparkster, Oct 16, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2016
    As a man, I do believe that this is usually down to insecurities or jealousy. Unless it's overly compulsive or is affecting your relationship then what's the big deal? Many women do seem overly concerned with this and it's actually quite a common question but how many men are concerned about their female partner masturbating and who they are thinking about when doing so? Sure, men do it more but women do it too.
     
  10. dechanta

    dechanta Member

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    I have to agree, I personally have no problem with my significant other masturbating. I view it as a form of foreplay and it can actually be a huge turn on. Then there are times when I can't or don't want to have intercourse. During these times I would much rather have my partner masturbate then find another person outside of our relationship to satisfy their sexual needs.
     
  11. Cinna

    Cinna Junior Researcher

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    Lie have a friend who gets really upset as well. As for me, I don't care if my fiancé does it. It doesn't make me feel bad. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood and he is so he takes care of things himself.
     
  12. Carnold23

    Carnold23 Member

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    I do not get upset if my husband masturbates. While I am not a huge fan of porn, I understand that he has needs. If for whatever reason I am not able to fulfill those needs a certain time, then he needs to do it himself. I know my husband loves me, he would never rather that over having sex with me.
     
  13. Readme@Amy

    Readme@Amy Junior Researcher

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    If I will see my husband masturbating I will not get upset because even he is doing it in front of me it does not bother because I am his wife. And one thing I know he is sometimes doing that thing so that he can easily be arouse before the sexual intercourse. I will be much likely to get upset if he is cheating on me for other women.
     
  14. foolsgold

    foolsgold Member

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    I don't get upset at all and encourage it especially if I'm away or haven't seen each other for some time. Everyone has urges and I can understand if he wants to act on it. I don't see porn as damaging as well unless it is distracting him from normal day to day expectations.
     
  15. rcdpink

    rcdpink Member

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    As for me, I do not agree with the idea of watching porn either. I think it will assist you in looking on other females other than your partner. That kind of lust can damage a relationship and I'm one who is interested in maintaining a lifetime relationship with my partner. As it pertains to masturbation however, I do understand that men have a different sex drive from females yes. Some men including myself, find it hard to pressure their spouses into everyday sex and so the only solution is masturbation.
     
  16. lexinon

    lexinon Junior Researcher

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    I can understand where your friend is coming from, but I truly hope her views on this change for her sake. I used to get very angry when my boyfriend would watch porn. I felt like it was an act of betrayal and would act as if he was cheating on me. I also banned him from pornography. As I got older, I started to realize that it had nothing to do with him loving me. When I watch pornography I am not planning to date the people in the video...same goes for men. I think it's silly to get upset about something like this.

    If he was doing it with her in the room, sure be angry. I feel like that's just rude and can make a girl feel worthless. If he is doing it while she's away, who cares? She needs to learn a bit about sex drives.
     
  17. Tmaxwell

    Tmaxwell Member

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    Im not gonna lie. I'm a very jealous woman when it comes to my husband. So for him to look at another woman and pleasure himself really makes me upset. It was more of an issue when I was pregnant. Being fat and pregnant I sometimes didn't feel sexy or wasn't in the mood therefore I couldn't satisfy his needs, and in return he would watch porn. I would get upset and think to myself, why is he getting off on a other woman? Or I'm not as pretty as her. Etc..but I got over it. I think it was more hormones at the time causing these thoughts. He has no need to masturbate now BC i give it to him whenever he wants it now that I got my sexy back after having our second baby. Lol!
     
  18. TwoOneBee

    TwoOneBee Junior Researcher

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    This seem to be quite common with women and their men masturbating. I can tell you from a man's standpoint, I'd never pick masturbation over my girlfriend. Heck I'm not even comparing what I'm seeing with my girlfriend, as porn vs. real life are two very different things. I don't think the majority of men are saying no to sex with their partner and then going to another room and masturbating... If they are, there are underlying problems in the relationship beyond just masturbating. It's just a release for us men, something to take the edge off, to relax, or a nice way to start the day or fall asleep. Your partner isn't always available or in the mood for sex, so sometimes you need to take the matter in your own hands (pun intended).

    I can also tell you that no matter what kind of restriction or ban you've put on porn, there are a myriad of ways your partner has access to pornography, and it's very easy to cover your tracks (incognito mode in Google Chrome, for example). I don't know about you, but if someone tells me I'm not allowed to do something, especially something that doesn't concern you (such as masturbation), I'll still be doing it, you just won't know about it. Some men will even swear that they never masturbate just so they don't have to deal with the jealousy that lexinonlexinon and TmaxwellTmaxwell mentioned... But don't worry ladies, if your boyfriend/husband/partner is still giving it to you on the regular, whether they masturbate or not doesn't matter since your needs are being satisfied. :)
     
  19. Shen

    Shen Junior Researcher

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    Oh my, your friend is tripping. Sometimes I have to beg mine to go masturbate and leave me alone. His sex drive is super strong and sometimes I'm just really not in the mood.
     
  20. MichelleVL

    MichelleVL Member

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    I don't mind if my husband masturbates. Hey, I do it too! We even help each other out from time to time. Masturbation doesn't necessarily have to be a solo activity. We also watch porn together; sometimes we try to imitate what is happening in the movie, and other times we masturbate while watching. I don't know, at least in our relationship, masturbation is one of the things that keeps things a little interesting.
     
  21. Linda Burroughs

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    OK, I have a question for all you liberated men and women, what about a boyfriend or husband that gets upset when his girlfriend masturbates? I don't mind my partner masturbating the way I used to, when I imagined that it was all about wanting someone younger, cause now I know better, but tit for tat so to speak, how come he's getting upset now if I do it? He is even a little put off if I help things out myself a little while we are doing it. (He doesn't say as much but I can tell). How can I explain to this extremely fragile male ego that climax for me isn't like rolling off a log? That sometimes added stimulation is needed? I've tried to bring up the subject but don't seem to get very far partly because I am naturally sexually shy and I have also found that any suggestion that he alone can't always bring me to orgasm has met with some pretty cold shoulders. If I get into bed first and start something with myself to pre warm things so to speak, he will not even come to bed if he knows. Now what do you make of that?
     
  22. thash1979

    thash1979 Member

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    I wouldn't if he did this on his time where I didn't see him. But, he decides to do this in our bed while I am laying there like it is no big deal. Granted, we are on two different work schedules. He works 12 hour night shift 6pm-6am. So when I am sleeping he is at work and when he gets home to go to bed I am usually getting up to start my day. Having sex in general with 3 kids and this crazy work schedule in virtual impossible unless we hump in the bathroom while I am brushing my teeth. I understand he needs to fulfill his urge, and I would not want him to do that by going somewhere else, but it is very embarrassing for me! Not only because he chooses to quickly work one out as he would say, but the fact he leaves me out of it all together. Most mornings he says it is just quicker that way. So it leaves me high and dry with no action!
     
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